I’m a dad. I try to be a really good dad, and most days I think I succeed. And let’s be honest, since I’ve been getting healthier, I’m a much better dad, because when my kids say, “Let’s race, Daddy,” I kick off my flip-flops and race them. When they say, “Let’s jump on the trampoline, Daddy,” I go bounce them until they’re giggling uncontrollably. I used to make a lot of excuses not to do things with my kids, and now I don’t so much anymore. It’s fun.
But there’s one thing I worry about a lot these days. My daughter is eight years old. Until two years ago, she was kind of a chunky kid — well, on the chunky side of normal, probably. Then she got sick, and in three months she lost 20% of her body weight (going from 61 to 49 pounds). It was scary and frustrating for all of us. We finally got things figured out, and she got all better, but ever since then she has been skinny. She recently got back to 60 pounds, but she’s grown several inches since 2011. She’s gone from the high end of normal to the low end of normal.
When she was sick, we all became kind of obsessed with the scale, because it was our only indication of whether things were getting better or worse. We’d try to explain to her that the number doesn’t matter, that there is a big range of perfectly acceptable weights, that the only thing that matters is her health, etc. I think we did a pretty good job, but ever since then, she’s had a little more interest in the scale.
It’s a scary thing for a parent, knowing how many young girls develop eating disorders. You wish you could implant directly into their brains an understanding of how wonderful and perfect they are, but you just can’t. You just try your best.
My wife and kids have been my strongest cheerleaders as I’ve worked to become healthy. I try to present things to them in terms of my health, but the fact is, the scale is my easiest indicator of whether things are getting better or worse. Almost every Saturday morning, my son and daughter ask me how my weigh-in went, and I tell them how many pounds I lost that week. They get excited for me, but I am always a little uncomfortable about it. I don’t want them to think how much you weigh is the most important thing.
So I tell them, “I don’t really care how much I weigh, I am just excited that I am getting healthier so I can be with you kids for a long time.”
I tell them, “The only time it matters how heavy you are is if it is affecting your health. I used to be super unhealthy because I was so big, and now I’m a lot healthier.”
I tell them, “You’re both perfect the way you are. You’re healthy and strong and wonderful.”
But still, I worry. I worry that my kids will be obsessed with the scale. I worry that they’ll get a little chubby in high school and think they are super unhealthy. I worry that they will look in the mirror and not see the perfection that I see, but see flaws that just aren’t there.
I said in the title that this post was about how to lose weight without breaking your kids, but really it’s just a public expression of a desperate hope that I can actually do that.
i hear ya! i worry all the time about how my feelings about my body affect my girls (because i’ve always had low self-esteem and been worried about my weight and i don’t want to create this issue for them). the success of how i’m handling it now can’t really be determined until they hit their teens, right?. but i try really hard to focus on what is healthy and teach them about eating good foods, being moderate with junk food, and exercising every day. if i am working out at home, they are always welcome to join me. i think we give our kids a fighting chance at succeeding with this whole body image thing by talking positively about our bodies (they are amazing! they can do wonderful things! they are miracles!) and teaching them how to treat their bodies through example and discussions. those things will speak louder than the scale. at least, that’s what i hope in our house.
and maybe at some point you can get rid of the scale and just maintain your healthy body? that might speak volumes if you have a big scale toss ceremony. ie: i got healthy, and now i can maintain that healthiness without worrying about the exact numbers.
i’m rambling. thanks for sharing your thoughts. you ARE an inspiration, jeff!
i love your thoughts about talking positively about our bodies so that it will speak louder than the scale! thank you
Great post, Jeff. This is definitely great food for thought. As a mother of four kids, and three of those being daughters, I have tried my best to model healthy habits. I have been an avid workout maniac for as long as my kids can remember. As much as they know that I do this to keep in shape, I have always tried to keep the focus on the main objective. My health. I have countless relatives on my Dad’s side of the family that have not been kind to their bodies. They treat their bodies like it’s a trash can; dumping all sorts of junk into their bodies. I’m not judging them at all, but rather I see the toll that it has taken on their health and happiness. My Dad had 6-bypass surgery and a valve replacement 10 years ago due to the lifestyle he lived. It will catch up with people if they aren’t careful.
It didn’t take watching that experience to make health important to me, because my Mom was part of the go-green movement way before it was the “in” thing to do. I grew up on fruit, veggies, whole-grains, lots of cream of wheat and oatmeal. She refused to purchase or allow us to eat processed foods. I remember begrudging that a bit as a child, but I’m so grateful for that now because that isn’t real food and it’s never been a temptation for me. However, what my Dad’s experience taught me was that your current lifestyle creates your future lifestyle. His type A, overly and oonstantly stressed and working himself to absolute exhaustion for years, lack of sleep, lack of nutrition, lack of or limited exercise over the years caught up with him big time. He nearly died on the operating table. So many people don’t change things until they have a big wake up call for that.
I’ll admit when I started exercising pretty avidly when I was 18, that it was more from a vain standpoint. I saw all my relatives from my Dad’s side of the family that were heavy and there was no way in heck that I wanted to look like that. However, over time and with maturity, that shifted to wanting to be truly healthy to sustain longevity for my family.
I think the most important thing we can show our children is that we love ourselves no matter what, no matter what weight you are, no matter what size of pants you wear, no matter how tall or short you are. It’s important to show them that you love you. I think it’s good to show them that the reason you are doing this is because you love yourself and you want to be around longer for all of them.
If you are concerned about sharing with them how many pounds you lost, perhaps you should share with them numbers like this is what my cholesterol was or my blood pressure….and this is what it means. Share with them how you are feeling and what losing all this weight equates to; greater energy and being able to do things with them that you weren’t able to do before.
You are an inspiration, and I’m glad it didn’t take you lying on an operating table to have open-heart surgery or having a leg amputated due to diabetes (both of these have happened to family members) to wake up and take better care of yourself. Keep up the good work!
~Tammy
I should have proof read that, I’m noticing some typos. Oops.
Great insight, and I totally understand… I think that if we are discussing it at home in a healthy way, just like anything, our children will be more willing to come to us with questions or concerns later. The world will teach them that skinny is “beautiful” but if we are already talking about how that isn’t true at home, and saying “healthy” rather than than, “skinny”, more often, I think they will hopefully see the difference. But, like you said, all we can do is hope they will find their inner beauty and that will be enough for them
Both of my parents have been overweight my whole life. As kids though, they encouraged us to get exercise all the time and we had to eat our vegetables, and there was always fruit for snacks. I was 8 the first time I stepped on a scale and found out that I weighed more than my older brother. After that, I paid attention to the scale, but it wasn’t a big deal… Until around 12 when my mom said, “You could stand to lose some weight.” That was the one sentence that created an obsession.
An interest in the scale and their weight doesn’t mean they have a serious issue, but once a parent puts it in words to them that something is wrong, everything changes. If they want to weigh themselves, I’d say let them. Just don’t make negative comments about their bodies or weight. (although it sounds like you’re doing a great job. Good luck and keep up the good work)
I’ve got a “big boned” or “sturdy” daughter as well. Her weight comes up now and then at her quarterly visits with the endocrinologist. (Thankfully she’s been oblivious to the conversation) I haven’t worried too much about her weight because her dad was chunky until middle school and he’s been super thin ever since. Maybe she got his genes.
But, then I also worry (just a smidge) that the extra juice and carbs she gets to treat blood sugar lows might actually be what makes her a bit on the thick side. But, it is what it is and can’t do much about that so I don’t stress. Around here, when kids jump on the scale it’s only ever followed by “you’re getting so big” and there really hasn’t been much discussion about skinny or fat or just right.
With a diabetic in the house as well as a kid with a fructose intolerance (it gives him explosive diarrhea and until we figured it out he had quit gaining weight at all!) we talk more about types of food and how they affect us. We talk about how everything has different vitamins in it, so we need to eat lots of different kinds of foods to get everything our bodies need. We tell them that vegetables and fruits are packed full of vitamins and that we should eat lots of those. And, then we tell them that some foods really don’t have any vitamins at all in them. For a long time my kids would ask “is this an ‘all the time’ food or a ‘sometimes’ food?” Treats like ice cream and popsicles are yummy, but those are a “sometimes” food and we need to make sure we fill our bodies with healthy stuff first. Explaining things that way I think has helped them understand why we eat what we do (and why I say no to certain foods), and it helps them to make better choices for themselves. For example, my kids love popsicles but of course the first ingredient in most of them is HFCS (tummy ache for Justin!) so when they see that stuff in the store I tell him to look at the ingredients so he can see for himself what’s in it. (And they hear me say a lot “that’s just sugar and food coloring”) So instead of buying the popsicles, we go home and blend up fruit and make our own and they are just as happy. It makes my day when Justin tells me my homemade food is way better than the stuff at the store. I have intentionally brainwashed him into believing that, but I also make a lot of homemade stuff because of his fructose intolerance so I love that he loves my cooking.
I also read a blog a while back where the mom said they made a game out of “counting the colors” in their meals. The kids would get excited about how many different colors a meal had (fake colors didn’t count) and mom was happy because they were eating lots of different types of food. I thought that was a great way to explain it to little kids!
Anyway… it’s tricky. Even if we’re really good about putting the emphasis on health and not size, my kids are going to start seeing and hearing things elsewhere that may affect the way the see themselves. And I hope by then they’ve learned enough about nutrition that they understand that size doesn’t really matter and that super skinny doesn’t necessarily equal healthy either. Meanwhile, when my kids ask why my belly is so big even though the baby already came out, I just tell them it takes a long time for mommy’s body to get back to normal.
Jeff,
I so appreciate this post! My husband and I have spoken about this subject in regards to our oldest son. Years of not teaching the best habits in combination with his less than athletic build has taken a toll on his shape and consequently his self-esteem. It stabs at my heart. He is eleven and I have been feeling speechless on how to help him develop better habits and help him to be aware of the need for change without drawing extra attention to what he is already self-conscious about. I decided today just to talk to him about making small changes in a healthier direction for us all. Its so hard when your own weaknesses get in the way and effect your children. I pray that I can help him overcome something I have struggled with my whole life!